Mostly because honesty wasn't that important to me. I didn't yet know the value of honesty. Throughout my youth, lies are what made my world go round. I lied about the most mundane things because "why not." I didn't see any harm in doing so, it just became a habit.
I'd rather create a new truth my words, because I didn't like my reality. That came from self-doubt and lack of confidence. I'd sprinkle in a extra bit to add to a story to make myself seem interesting, knowledgeable. It became a sort of game to me. To see how far I could push the limits to see what others would buy into. For a while this game of charades helped me gain a some self-worth, however false it may be. I am embarrassed that I even did so.
Now I don't see the need to continue that routine of lies.
I'd rather create a new truth my words, because I didn't like my reality. That came from self-doubt and lack of confidence. I'd sprinkle in a extra bit to add to a story to make myself seem interesting, knowledgeable. It became a sort of game to me. To see how far I could push the limits to see what others would buy into. For a while this game of charades helped me gain a some self-worth, however false it may be. I am embarrassed that I even did so.
Now I don't see the need to continue that routine of lies.
I don't know when it happened, but it just did. I realized that lying about one's self is absolutely a waste of time. Theres' no justifiable reason to do so, to lie. I was exhausted to live up to these false truths. I know someone would ask my what I am most proud about it would have to be about honesty.
Honesty is something that I am proud about, it reflects my new found ethics, morals, and honor. There's a lot to be gained. There's also a lot to lose, but I'd bet money on the former.
Part of this is the insecurity of childhood, don't you think? Children are told so many things, many of them untruths. We were also raised (most of us) in insecure households where we were told a) we're going to get punished *every* time we broke some rule, but b) we didn't get punished every time, so c) we lost some sense of reality of what is true and not. Of course d) the threat of punishment, especially punishments that really weren't merited because of our crimes made me, at least, think of plenty of lies to tell.
ReplyDeletePart of this, too, is learning who we are. Children have personality, but little identity. So lying is one way children have to negotiate who they are and who they are not and who they want to be and who they don't want to be.
And then puberty and adolescence, which in the western world is just a bad idea. More "primitive" communities where boys go out with other young men on a year-long initiation makes much more sense than high school and all the drama s**t that goes there. American adolescence -- especially with the multiple media that portrays some of the worst human behavior possible -- is hell. We do what we can to survive.
Then, post-adolescence, we realize that we're actually good people and we can stop the drama, stop the lies, choose our peers more rationally, find our true interests. Some people, however, don't leave adolescence until their late 20s on their own decision. Some, I swear, don't leave adolescence until their 40s and later. Part of that long-term adolescence is consistent (some say pathological) lying about who they are and what they do. Ug.
Good post.